I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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