He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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