I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Pants are for mortals
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
