He uses pillows to masturbate.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
