Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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