Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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