so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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