Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Randomize
