I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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