But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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