did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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