Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
