Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I would fuck him just for his dog
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
