I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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