I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
