weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
