Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
