the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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