tonight lets celebrate not being married
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
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You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
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My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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