so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
