Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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