So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
honey bunches of taint.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
