if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
