You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
