I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
