Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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