i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
