My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
