why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I will die if light touches me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
