if i can run in heels then i can drive
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.