apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again