I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
