Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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