I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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