Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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