Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
