Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
