You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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