Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
