I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
