I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
