smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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