What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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