I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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