just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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