I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
