You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
