just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
