Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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