I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
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I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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