All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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