I feel great
I just peed on a car
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
