foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
