This is not my ceiling
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
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i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
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I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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