i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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