im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
