all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i now understand why vodka
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
