Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
