Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
