Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
