Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
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We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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